Thursday, 31 January 2013

Better than I am



Red lights at the bar flickers smoky flame  
I order wine & cheese, savoring flame   

Slow music brings strangers to dance sweet &
tangled kisses -- but I drift, waning flame      

Moonlight gleams on my ordinary face 
Anxieties mothballing, snaring flame 

Heat soaks my hair into knotted brown ropes,
I pen words -coarsely pale as dying flames 

I might look better if you dim down lights
To candle tap, softer flowering flame 

My dreams bring me wading out to the sea   
Weaving a storm with fingers - snapping flames  

You gaze at me with awe, breathless, inflamed  - 
Here I am, better than I am - beautiful flame   





Posted for D'verse Poets Pub:   Poetry form - Ghazal Sonnet - Written in 7 couplets, with flame as a refrain in each verse (pentameter, mostly).  I didn't follow strictly the last couplet. Smiles.  Please check the link for other poetry guidelines and to read awesome poems.  

Title & Inspirational post:   Corey's Better than I am - His last verse:

My dreams have me pushing a boulder up a mountain
And jumping from the top to the bottom in a single leap
She’s waiting at the bottom, looking at me with admiration
Here, I am better than I am, here I am more, manly.

40 comments:

  1. Beautiful Heaven, reminds me of how I'm feeling tonight too, this is awesome!

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  2. weaving the storm with fingers...what a bit of magic...i am intrigued by your narrators angst at their looks as well...here i am better than i am (as they see you) gives a nice release to that as well...smiles....nicely done on the form grace...

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    1. A challenging form, I must admit ~ I was flamed out at the end ~ Thanks Brian ~

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  3. we're beautiful only when love makes us believe it

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    1. What a beautiful comment Dezzy ~

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  4. Sensuous take on the form and perfect choice for the refrain, I liked it. It was a really challenging one today!

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  5. Beauty can behold us all, just have to open an eye at each hall.

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  6. Such beautiful stanzas here, Grace. Each of them different, but related. I do think everyone looks 'good' if looked at through a candle flame in dim light. (That was my favorite stanza!)

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  7. Ah, this is lovely Grace... beautiful.

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  8. I enjoyed watching the musings of someone putting down their plain looks but then becoming someone who inflames a lover in that last couplet. Love the inspiration of being "better than I am"...something kind of sad in that though.

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  9. Certainly a tough form, but you still convey a depth of emotion here.
    Gene

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  10. I might look better if you dim down lights
    To candle tap, softer flowering flame

    Love those lines. I can relate to them for sure. Overall it's a lovely write, very sensual.

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  11. More than simply suggestive... Any gaps in the ghazal structure are more than made up for by the reality of the passion behind each verse, the heat behind the flame.

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  12. Passionate couplets - it is a tough form - I salute you!

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  13. Wow, you really did well with the form! I admire all you conveyed, so many thoughts united by a flame ;D Well Done

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  14. Your take on the sonnet is full of sensuality...I really like the way you close it ;)

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  15. some beautiful couplets Grace. You did a fantastic job with this form, such a beautiful piece. Thanks

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  16. Using a poem for inspiration and the way you flamed it was amazing. Nicely done.

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  17. The light of a fire is beautiful, what a lovely poem!

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  18. Certainly lit a flame here, Grace. I'm really struggling with this form, so kudos for pulling it all together so well.

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  19. I'm chicken and don't even try forms most times. So I haven't tried this one. But you did a great job with it. I like the flame, it's different natures, the sensuality of it. Very hot Grace. Nice.

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  20. Better than I am - I love that! Simply beautiful! Well done as always, thank you.

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  21. Somehow this poem gives me the sense of loneliness

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  22. sensual with strong visuals - I love the recurring flame.

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  23. Lovely--and your words capture the "poetically physical or spiritual love, with a melancholic air of separation or longing" which are the traditional themes of the ghazal. Nice.

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  24. lovely. I find flames to be quite hypnotic; I think your verse followed suit.

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  25. lovely response to your inspiration. =)

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  26. Candle light and wine makes a woman look beautiful ... until the wine kicks in ... hmmm ...

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  27. OwWooo! O the goddesss hidden in each of us!
    "Heat soaks my hair into knotted brown ropes,"
    Will she rise, strike, let herself be seen?
    Sometimes I fear her alive and breathing, other
    times I light the candle myself to be seen . . .

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  28. I think this an exceptional ghazal! I ma used to a freer form of ghazal as often doen in English, so I don't mind at all that you have replaced metre with syllabics - and the variation in last line seems quite acceptable too. along with the more subtle insertion of yourself by 'I' rather than name.

    Also I have always understood that the separate couplets of a ghazal not only stand alone but can even be somewhat discontinuous, albeit within the overriding theme - a feature I like. Sam didn't emphasise that in his instructions for the traditional form, and I didn't do it in my own response, but you have achieved it here. I think it definitely adds something to this fascinating form!

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    1. Oops! Should preview. Apologies for typos.

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    2. Thank you for the lovely compliments ~ I thought yours was really exceptional ~

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  29. Lovely Ghazal. Really nice. k.

    PS - I think the problem at my blog may have been an old google account I had - not sure - deleted anyway, so see if that makes a difference. k.

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  30. Ahhhhhhh!!!!!! damn it, I just saw this email lost in a jungle of emails and I feel terrible that I wasn't the first or fiftieth to respond. The form makes it so much better than the original, not sure shy but it hits harder and resonates with more depth. You know I adore your writing, and this is the exact reason why. You took that emotion and put it into a new window, I love that she see's herself in her dream as strong, sexy and amazing just like the other, but this one is much more passionate. It slowly steams...I am a huge fan of wet hair by the way....sweat or otherwise...lol, I know TMI. This is a great companion...we think alot alike I think. As always, loved it.

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